Harry Potter and the Lousy Title
by Mintaka the Comedienne
Summary: Completely and utterly random. Fungi and robots, the IRS and meat cleavers, and most importantly, pineapples. I guarantee you will lose at least two IQ points.


**Disclaimer:** I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER, WHICH IS PROBABLY BEST FOR ALL OF US. I also don't own Kansas, the Emo Corner, La-La Land, Canada, Home Depot, Fullmetal Alchemist, the IRS, MSU, or the Hope diamond. In fact, the only things I own are a cello, some clothes, several books, my imagination, some knitting needles, enough shower gel to keep me clean until college, and a secret chocolate-chip cookie recipe.

Author's note: I was really ticked at this piece (Saint-Saens' "Allegro Appassionato") I had to learn, and was going to write some horrid angsty monstrosity, but I couldn't stand to reread what I had written so I scrapped the whole thing and took my anger and dumped it into this thing. Prepare to have your mind blown. I imagine the experience would be similar to drinking a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, although I'm not old enough to drink, so I wouldn't know.

Warning: This story will make little to no sense whatsoever. This is for two reasons: 1) I'm experimenting with a more complicated writing style, and 2) It wouldn't make sense even if I used very basic language.

**And finally, the author would like to profusely thank iryana (aka Miffy, who is, as she puts it, my "bestest buddy") for proofreading this for me. THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!**

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Harry wasn't in Kansas. I would say he wasn't in Kansas _anymore_, but to have not been in Kansas _anymore_, he would have to have been there at some point in his life, and since he is, in fact, British, he would never have gone to Kansas. My point is that Harry has never been to Kansas, and is currently not in Kansas. So Harry could've been pretty much anywhere in the universe and beyond, except Kansas. I would say that he could be at any of the infinite points one could reside in the universe without being in Kansas, except that would bring up the discussion of "Is infinity minus one still infinity?" which is a question I do not wish to answer.

So where was Harry? Well, that is something that will never be quite clear. Some maintain that he is perpetually in his own little emo corner, sulking. Others claim he is busy in La-La Land falling in love with various beautiful females with extraordinary powers. A small, but very vocal, group insists that he is actually falling in love with other men, some of whom are married. Still others believe he might actually be at Hogwarts, going to classes, and possibly learning something. They are all wrong.

Harry was in a large, very dense coniferous forest. Where, precisely, this forest is will forever remain a mystery. It is certainly not the Forbidden Forest, for there was a distinct lack of any magical creatures.

Harry was looking for a pineapple.

You may be thinking, Why would anyone search for a pineapple in a large coniferous forest in the middle of nowhere? Doesn't one just find pineapples at the supermarket? Well, the answer to the first question is thus: Harry is dreaming, so logic doesn't quite come into play here, and the answer to the second question is this: No. One finds them at Home Depot.

In Harry's epic quest for a pineapple, he came across a small fungus. If this were reality, Harry wouldn't have been in the middle of a coniferous forest anyway, so it doesn't matter. But in this dream, the fungus began to talk.

"Eat me! Eat me!" it cried. Harry, who had been instructed from a young age never to talk to strangers, ignored it. However, the fungus grew three stubby legs, picked itself up and began to follow him.

A large shadow stretched in front of Harry, which was odd, because a) the shadow was taller than his should be at this particular time of day, and b) the shadow had sparkles.

He turned around. Alex Louis Armstrong was right behind him. Harry, having never heard of manga or anime, did not recognize the elegant character.

"Who r u!?!!!?!1??1!!?" he asked, too lazy to write out the words "are" and "you," but capable of overusing punctuation to an extent that would make this author's English teacher's skin crawl.

Major Armstrong responded by yanking off his shirt. Harry gaped at him in shock and amazement. He turned and ran, for he had been involved in enough fanfiction to know that when another male yanks his shirt off in his presence, it is high time to flee. The fungus continued to pursue him.

Harry ran into a tree. He expected to be dazed and confused for a few moments; however, he was perfectly fine. He still did not reside in Kansas, nor in the large, dense coniferous forest.

This forest was deciduous.

Yes, our young hero, The-Boy-Who-Lived, The Chosen One, He-Who-Can-Survive-Consuming-Treacle-Tart-In-Large-Quantities, was now located in the middle of a semi-dense, deciduous forest. This forest had an abundance of walking mushrooms, and his little stalker went off to find some buddies to go play canasta. This forest also had an abundance of robots.

"Want to help us take over the free world?" the robots asked him.

"Sorry, I have to prevent an evil wizard from doing that. Won't the talking fungi help you?" Harry said.

"Nope. They just want someone to play board games with them." If it were possible for robots to have facial expressions, this one would've been scrutinizing Harry warily. "You didn't happen to bring a deck of cards with you, did you?"

Harry searched his pockets. He had a pair of pinking shears, a Dung bomb, a 1 GB memory card, the Hope diamond, and some lint, all of which were items that may or may not have been on the author's desk at that particular moment. "Nope," he said.

"Good. Because these guys rope you into a Spades game that doesn't end until someone has 1,500 points." The robot scanned Harry's appearance, quite literally, I might add. "I don't think you're supposed to be here. What are you doing?"

"Searching for a pineapple," Harry promptly replied.

"Oh," the robot said, sounding as if that made things much clearer. "Then you want that third tree on the right. All you have to do is walk straight at it. Don't stop and don't be scared you'll crash into it, that's very important. Best do it at a bit of a run if you're nervous."

Harry thanked the robot. "Sorry I couldn't help you in your quest for world domination."

"Oh, it's all right. Nobody can, really." Harry ran at the tree, and this time appeared to be…

…at the IRS.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" he screamed. A frightening-looking man in an expensive looking suit approached him with a meat cleaver.

"Harry J. Potter, prepare to be audited," he said menacingly. Harry ran back into the conveniently placed tree in the middle of the hallway. He reappeared in the deciduous forest.

"Oops, sorry, wrong tree. You want that one," the robot pointed. Harry approached the tree warily. He stepped into it.

He was in a middle school. Or, it looked like a middle school, except for the fact that the walls were perfectly white and it didn't smell like unwashed adolescent. He began running into various classrooms, asking the various teachers if they had, or knew where to find, a pineapple. One of the math teachers began to explain the probability of finding a pineapple in the average middle school. Another math teacher tried to make him sing "Yankee Doodle." One of the social studies teachers, a bald, crazy guy, mistook him for an intruder and attempted to maul him with a wooden paddle covered in Michigan State stickers. A science teacher, a social studies teacher, and two english teachers told him, politely, "no." The other english teacher berated him on his awful grammar usage. And a science teacher wanted to know why he wanted a freakin' pineapple, when he could have a mango.

Finally, he reached the orchestra room. The orchestra director, a very tall, imposing balding man had a pineapple, but he would only let Harry have it if he was going to use it for the forces of good, not evil. He said this excruciatingly slowly. Harry promised the pineapple would be used thus, and was given the pineapple.

Concealed within the pineapple was a library card. Harry went through a door that led him into a public library. A pale, slightly plump girl with untidy brown hair and rather thick glasses sat nearby, reading Ptolemy's Gate. A tall, dark-haired, slightly plump boy, also with rather thick glasses sat nearby, reading The Count of Monte Cristo. Hannah Montana was sitting in a corner, reading Naruto manga. Harry noticed a large portion of shelf that seemed to be dedicated to a series of large books, all having his name upon them, which struck him as vaguely odd.

Suddenly, a large dancing lobster appeared in their midst.

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Harry awoke.

"Was it Voldemort? You were screaming something about world domination and the IRS!" Ron exclaimed.

Harry was still breathing heavily. "I'm fine," he said. "Just a very…weird dream."

Ron grinned at him. "Maybe you shouldn't have eaten all that treacle tart last night."

Harry look at Ron inquiringly. "What _is_ treacle tart, anyway?"

Ron told him.

Harry never ate treacle tart again.

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**Yes, exceedingly random, was it not? The teachers at the middle school may or may not be based on real people. (Evil grin) Once again, I want to thank iryana for her WONDERFUL beta job. THANK YOU! Reviews will be appreciated. I would also like to thank you, the reader, for reading this thing to the end, and I apologize for the IQ points you will undoubtedly have lost by now.**

One last thing: I finally figured out what treacle tart is. It's a pie with a molasses filling. At least that's what Wikipedia told me. I think that sounds really disgusting, but hey, that's just me.


End file.
